Friday, April 6, 2012

Failure and a Pat on the back.

I saw this quote on Pinterest (where else, right?)


and I needed it.
I desperately needed to hear that.
especially right now.
because lately - well,
I've been feeling NOTHING like a Super Mom.

Quite the opposite in fact.

I'm not sure why ....
but I have a few ideas. 
haha.

maybe it's because my house is a DISASTER.
(and this is NOT an exaggeration)
There is something about "renovations"
and two children under 2 that just doesn't quite mesh...

or maybe because even AFTER Wild Man's tonsil/adenoid surgery,
he's still not sleeping.
and he's tired, cranky, snoring and all around - not himself.
and I'm not sure what to do next.
and neither are the doctors.

Or maybe it's because little H is allergic to EVERYTHING.
(including peanuts)
How do we know that?
Since he' only 7 months old and shouldn't have peanuts ...
well, he snatched a piece of PB&J crust off Wild Man's plate -
and broke out in a crazy rash. Instantly! 

Or maybe it's because I feel like I'm loosing myself.
Like my identity is wrapped up in these cute little monsters.
and I'm not following MY dreams.
or meeting MY needs, 
as much as I should. 
or need.

Or maybe it's because after talking to the neighbor yesterday --
my kids are MONSTER sleepers.
aka. they.don't.sleep.
Yes, the neighbor girl sleeps 11 hours.
Little H? He' still up. EVERY.TWO.HOURS.
but i can't stand to let him cry --
so I console him. and rock him. and nurse him.
and bring him in bed with me. and he's happy.
and I'm exhausted.

Or maybe it's because the same neighbor home schools,
because she "couldn't stand putting her kid in school all day".
and I think to myself -
"man, I can't wait until Wild Man can starts his Mom's Day out Program --
the few hours to myself two times a week will be SOOOO nice".
and then I feel guilty for thinking that.

or maybe it's because I had my wisdom teeth out one week ago.
and then I got dry sockets.
and they STILL hurt.
REALLY bad.
(like an 8 out of 10 on dr. scale!!)
and I'm probably a little short on patience ....
because I'm in PAIN. 
and I.JUST.WANT.TO.SLEEP!

but I can't take pain meds -
because I'm nursing.
and I can't give little H formula -
because he's allergic to dairy.
and apparently soy is bad for their boy parts. (haha)
and the medical formula is GROSS.
So I just suck up the pain.
and keep on nursing.

or maybe it's because its the Friday before Easter,
and we haven't dyed eggs yet.
(what kind of mother am I?)

or maybe it's because my car is so covered in crumbs,
 that its embarrassing. 

or maybe it's because Wild Man runs on Fruit Snacks.
and Capri Suns. 

or maybe it's because some days I feel like I'm "JUST" a SAHM.
and I feel a little bitter.
But the thought of putting them in daycare ALL day makes me cringe.
So I don't.
and then I feel guilty about feeling guilty.

so you see -- failure.
there is a LOT of failure going on around here.
way more than "normal", I'd say.

But then I look at these smiling, silly, (relatively) HEALTHY boys --
playing choo-choo's together on the ground - 
and I join them. on the floor.
and they get SOO excited.
and it's ALL worth it. 

  or when I squeeze those chubby cheeks --
 and they giggle.
 it's all worth it.

or when I sit on the couch with both boys in my lap,
with a blanket and Toy Story 3 ---
even though my house is filthy,
and I'd rather be reading The Hunger Games 
(instead of watching Toy story for the umpteenth time) 
and Wild Man leans in a gives me a hug --
a big ol, "I love you Mommy" hug.
It's ALL worth it.  

and so even though they drive me crazy sometimes --
and my eyebrows DESPERATELY need to be waxed.
and I'd LOVE to go to Target without two screaming kids.
or have this AWESOME successful career where I matter.

To my kids -- I matter.
to them, I am their everything.
and to me - they are my everything.

we just go together.
we NEED each other.
Like Mac N Cheese.
Or Peanut Butter & Jelly
(which sadly we won't be eating in this house anymore)
and like all "partnerships" -
there are ups and downs.
good days and bad days.
but that's the wonderful thing about unconditional love.
it's unconditional.

It's called Parenting.
and it's crazy & glorious & hard & rewarding.

So moms --- give yourself a pat on the back.
because you're doing awesome.
I'M DOING AWESOME.
It's the hardest job we'll EVER have!!
the most rewarding job we'll ever have.

and even though it seems the neighbor has it better,
I'm sure she doesn't.
 She probably feels exactly like you do.

so just remember --

Whew.
Now I feel better.
Ready to tackle the day -
(with Diet Coke in hand)
Ready to tackle the mess,
the crazies,
and maybe I'll even cook dinner. 
(hmm, don't get too excited George - I said maybe) :) 

So am I alone here?
Do y'all ever feel this way???


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5 comments:

  1. Oh Honey, You are an amazing mom and you are right, your neighbor is the same as you, she is feeling inept as well in different areas than you, but it is all the same. Trust me, I am Grandma now and watching my kids parent assures me that I was and am a great Mom. ;)

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  2. Sorry this is so long, Whitney, but it's a quote from G.K. Chesterton about how incredibly important motherhood is. It's a little dense, but extremely beautiful. I had it up on my fridge for years...and remember, you're still super young, and having your children young and giving them your best years is a great gift to them and to yourself. You have so many amazing talents; try to be patient with yourself and your kids.

    "But when people begin to talk about this domestic duty as not merely difficult but trivial and dreary, I simply give up the question. For I cannot with the utmost energy of imagination conceive what they mean. When domesticity, for instance, is called drudgery, all the difficulty arises from a double meaning in the word. If drudgery only means dreadfully hard work, I admit the woman drudges in the home, as a man might drudge at the Cathedral of Amiens or drudge behind a gun at Trafalgar. But if it means that the hard work is more heavy because it is trifling, colorless and of small import to the soul, then as I say, I give it up; I do not know what the words mean.

    To be Queen Elizabeth within a definite area, deciding sales, banquets, labors and holidays; to be Whiteley within a certain area, providing toys, boots, sheets cakes, and books; to be Aristotle within a certain area, teaching morals, manners, theology, and hygiene; I can understand how this might exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it. How can it be a large career to tell other people’s children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one’s own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone? No; a woman’s function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task; I will never pity her for its smallness.

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  3. I love you! You are a great Mom and an inspiration to me (and lots of other women I'm sure). After all, you had time to write such an eloquent article and I haven't found time to knock anything off my To-Do list :) Keep up the good work friend! - McKinley

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  4. I feel your pain. And it looks like I don't have half the stuff going on as you do. I have one little girl and a small apartment. The apartment is never clean--which seriously depresses me. My wonderful little girl only started sleeping well (at least what I consider well...) recently. The first couple months of her life she didn't sleep for more than six hours a day. And never more than an hour at a time. I had friends talking about their babies that slept through the night and they were worried about waking them often enough to eat. Yeah... that was exactly what I wanted to hear. We were so worried about this lack of sleep that we spoke to the dr, she said that there is an average and unfortunately for us our girl was on the low end. After I stopped working I needed something that was a little more "adult", that's why I started my blog. I love the time that I get blogging... Especially since a trip to the mall, or even the grocery store is resembles a three ring circus most days. This might sound silly, but I think hearing your struggles is good for me, I am not alone in all this... Hang in there.

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  5. someone once told me, "this too shall pass."
    and it's true. sometimes you might even worry it's passing too fast. hang in there; it gets easier.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment here. I love hearing from you and try really hard to respond to all messages. You can also email me anytime at whitneyabuzeid@gmail.com.

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